Editorial: Spinsters unite: It’s OK not to find love in college

My first college dating experience began — as I imagine many first dates at the University of Montana do — with an invitation to go down to the Clark Fork River after freshman orientation week.

A few months later, that relationship ended with a religious lecture on how my widowed mother needed to remarry so I could have a proper father figure and if she didn’t, my brothers would likely end up in prison.

Things didn’t get much better from there.

I hit rock bottom when, running on a few hours of sleep, I saw the guy I had been seeing the past few months on the bus and called him the wrong name. Twice.

Suffice it to say, I’ve failed at the college dating scene. As soon as it became more of a chore than something I enjoyed, I decided to move dating to the bottom of my priorities list.

But here’s the thing: I find myself often having to explain my content, relationship-less college student life to those who can’t fathom the idea.

Even then, it’s regularly assumed that if someone isn’t into the college dating scene or looking for a relationship, they must swing to the other end of the pendulum, immersed in the free exploration of hook-up culture and one-night stands. What if I don’t want either? Is that really so hard to understand?

College students, especially women (though not exclusive to any gender), face so many pressures, usually boiled down to “if you have too much sex, you’re a slut, but if you don’t have enough, you’re a prude.” We have come a long way from the rhetoric of women going to college to get their “MRS” degree, but that doesn’t mean the social pressures have gone away.

There are dating apps, parties and a casual atmosphere in films and movies that make it seem like everyone is dating and having sex all the time. Hook-up culture is constantly in our faces, even if the pressures to do it are more prevalent than hook-ups themselves. One study estimates 72% of college students have hooked up by the time they are a senior, and hook-ups are more common than traditional dates. Yet, by some estimates, students also assume their peers are having sex at twice the numbers they actually are. No wonder there’s pressure to do these things, if we all think everyone else is doing it more than they actually are.

It’s a common topic of conversation among college friends and family at home, and there’s a general attitude that something must be wrong if you don’t have a new story to tell them. “So what’s new in your dating life?” they ask. “But did you really give him a chance?” “If you really cared, you would make time to date.” And then, there’s my grandpa’s favorite: “Have you found your Montana cowboy yet? What have you been doing?” I don’t know, Ralph. Homework? Dancing at the Union Club and having “Fast and Furious” marathons with friends?

College is still a great time and place to date, meet people, explore your sexuality, figure out what you like and don’t like and all that. And if that’s your jam, then you absolutely should. Where we’ve gone wrong is that it’s now so much of an expectation that it’s seen as weird if you don’t want to do that.

For every reason you might want to date in college, there are so many reasons someone else might not want to. And that’s OK. Maybe you don’t want to stay in Missoula after school; you might find the dating pool to be underwhelming; we’re still figuring out who we are, and we aren’t the best versions of ourselves yet.

With competing expectations to be academic weapons with thriving social lives and interesting hobbies, I still believe that “I just don’t have time” is a very valid reason.

If you did find love in college, in your first semester or your last, congratulations. I’ll have the chicken at your wedding if you didn’t already tie the knot at the Foresters’ Ball, and I’ll buy you something off your gift registration list at the UM bookstore that barely sells books. But with Valentine’s Day coming around the corner, if you haven’t found love in college yet, or don’t plan to, that’s perfectly fine, too. We just shouldn’t make people feel bad about it either way.

Whatever your plans are on this upcoming corporate-sponsored love holiday, don’t feel sorry for yourself if they lack a date or a hook-up. Go buy yourself a box of chocolates. I know I will.

-McKenna Johnson, Online Editor